Bilbo's Love Child
by Ahlmora
Summary: Frodo's true parents are revealed, and life is never going to quite be the same. Slashy content.
1. Chapter 1: Fetishes and Consequences

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 1/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: This is meant in jest, it is not meant to be accurate to canon in any fashion. Just turn your brain off and enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. Oh, and this will be a multi chapter story.  
  
  
  
**Rivendell**  
  
Frodo sat on a bench with his Uncle Bilbo, chatting about all the things Bilbo had done since his departure from the Shire. Frodo felt his unease on the mission he had chosen to undertake slowly ebbing away as he was regaled with the colorful tales of the older Hobbit.  
  
After a particularly long moment of silence, Bilbo sighed and took Frodo's hand in his. "Frodo," Bilbo began. "Before you leave on this quest, there is something I must tell you - a secret I have kept from you all of your life."  
  
Frodo smiled understandingly and patted Bilbo's hand. "I know what you're going to tell me, Bilbo. It's all right. Everyone in the Shire already knows about your hairy ass fetish. Fatty told me all about the time you and he-"  
  
"No, no, no!" Bilbo said hurriedly. Damn Fatty, he knew he shouldn't have trusted him. "That's not it." He took a deep breath as he looked into Frodo's eyes. "Where do I begin - well, only way is to start from the beginning I suppose." He began to tell Frodo of events that happened many years ago.  
  
**Many years ago**  
  
Bilbo Baggins sang to himself as he strolled through the woods. "I love hairy asses and I can not lie, you other Hobbits can't deny, when a guy walks in with an - oof!" His singing was interrupted as he was nearly run over by a horse. He cursed as he toppled over and landed unceremoniously on his rear.  
  
"Ooops, sorry about that," A soft feminine voice said from above.  
  
Bilbo looked up to see a dark haired, blue-eyed Elven maiden atop a white horse. She smiled at him flirtatiously as she dismounted and offered a hand to Bilbo to help him rise.  
  
"Foolish woman!" Bilbo snapped, swatting the hand aside and rising on his own. "You nearly killed me! Your blasted horse almost crushed me to a pulp!" He huffed as he wiped the dirt off of his clothing.  
  
The Elf pursed her ruby lips and cooed, "Oooh, I am so sorry, Master Hobbit. Is there anything I can do to - make it up to you?" As she said this she knelt and leaned forward so he was on face level with her heaving bosom.  
  
Bilbo made a sound of disgust. "Get your tits out of my face, you silly bint! I have no interest in burying my curly little head in between the heaving mounds of your womanly flesh!" He shuddered in revulsion at the very thought.  
  
The Elf's features turned downward into a sulky pout. "Well you don't have to be so mean about it!" Her deep blue eyes shimmered with tears of indignation as she started to rise to her feet. Her foot caught the edge of her robes and she fell on her face, robes flying up over her head.  
  
Bilbo snorted and shook his head in annoyance as the Elf struggled to right herself. "Stupid Elven sl-" He stopped short and his eyes widened as he caught sight of her now exposed lower half.  
  
Her ass was hairy. Gloriously, incredibly hairy. He'd never seen a lass with a hairy ass before, which had always led him to pursue males to satisfy his fetish. He didn't care for the rest of this annoying creature, but that ass -  
  
Bilbo felt his breeches tighten. "Uh, fair maiden, if you don't mind - I do believe I would like to partake of your 'hospitality' after all."  
  
The Elf squealed with delight. "Let me just get undressed." She started to rise and tug at her clothing.  
  
Bilbo immediately put a staying hand on her. "No, no!" He said quickly. "Stay just like that." He waited for her to lie back down on her stomach and then threw her robes back over her head. "Ahh, that's it, that's how I like it," He purred as he moved behind her. "Now, don't you speak or move, you naughty girl!" He cried with exaggerated passion. He didn't want to see her face or hear that damn annoying voice of hers. He just wanted to concentrate on that lovely round, hairy ass.  
  
**Hours later**  
  
Bilbo zipped us his breeches and sighed contentedly. There was something to be said for the warm wetness of a lass. Too bad very few of them had the oh- so-hairy derriere that made 'Little Bilbo' stand tall and proud.  
  
"Can I get up now?" The Elf asked from under the robes still flung over her head.  
  
Bilbo finished adjusting his clothing and waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, go ahead." He didn't hide the boredom in his voice. He was through with her now. "Well, I'll be off, then."  
  
The Elf mounted her horse. "Will I ever see you again?" She asked.  
  
Bilbo sighed. He hated after-sex talk. "Perhaps. Listen baby, it was great, but I have business to see to, you understand, don't you?"  
  
She smiled at him. "Of course. May I know your name?"  
  
Bilbo, still feeling smug from his conquest, didn't think to give her a fake name. "Baggins. Bilbo Baggins."  
  
The Elf clasped her hands dramatically to her breast. "I will forever remember this moment we shared, dear Bilbo Bag-"  
  
"Yes, yes, whatever, bye." Bilbo turned away without another word and continued on his way, barely hearing the hoof beats as the Elf took off in the opposite direction.  
  
**Back in the present**  
  
"Um, Bilbo," Frodo said as he furrowed his brows, "I'm very happy you scored and all, but what does that have to do with what you want to tell me?"  
  
Bilbo cuffed Frodo upside the head. "I was getting to that! Now, some months later, I awoke to find a basket on my doorstep at Bag End. Inside it was a baby. You, Frodo."  
  
Frodo looked confused. "Me?"  
  
Bilbo sighed. "Yes - inside was a note from that delectably hairy-assed Elf I had nearly forgotten about. It said that you were mine. Frodo, you're my son." He paused for a moment, then added, "And your mother is Lord Elrond's daughter, Arwen."  
  
Frodo's eyes went wide. Bilbo waited patiently for his nephew/son to absorb what he had just learned. The younger Hobbit opened and closed his mouth several times before finally managing to speak.  
  
"ARWEN HAS A HAIRY ASS!?"  
  
  
  
  
  
More to come. 


	2. Chapter 2: Breaking the News

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 2/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash mentioned  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: This is meant in jest, it is not meant to be accurate to canon in any fashion. Just turn your brain off and enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. The insanity continues!  
  
  
  
  
  
Bilbo cuffed Frodo again. "Damn it boy, this isn't about Arwen's ass! It's about me being your father, and she being your mother!"  
  
Frodo blinked. "Oh yes, well, it certainly explains a lot."  
  
"It does?" Bilbo asked.  
  
"Well, it explains why Arwen kept trying to breastfeed me when I was recovering from my injury," Frodo explained.  
  
Bilbo snorted. "Sure, NOW she's feeling maternal. Girl never did tell her father she was even pregnant. Took a 'extended vacation' until she gave birth, then dumped you on my doorstep. Irresponsible wench."  
  
Frodo frowned. "Bilbo, I don't like you talking about my mother that way."  
  
"Oh for pity's sake Frodo, stop sulking! It makes you look just like her." He looked at the younger Hobbit and muttered, "Look too much like her already. That dark hair, those eyes, that skin. People in the Shire always did say you looked like you had Elven blood, they didn't know how right they were." Bilbo sighed.  
  
"Well, at least my ass isn't hairy." Frodo said.  
  
Bilbo gave Frodo a dirty look. "Nothing wrong with hairy asses, boy. But we're getting off the subject."  
  
"Oh, right." Frodo went silent for a moment before sliding off of the bench. "I'm going to go see my mother."  
  
Bilbo shrugged. "If you must. I'm avoiding her. She's still angry with me for shagging her and running all those years ago. What's she complaining about? I'm the one who got stuck raising you."  
  
Frodo muttered, "I feel so loved." He turned to leave. "So, should I call you 'father' now, then?"  
  
Bilbo glared. "No!"  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and went off to find Arwen.  
  
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%  
  
Arwen was sharing a romantic moment with Aragorn in the gardens. Little did they know, Merry and Pippin were watching them from the bushes, hoping the lovers would decide to get naked so they could settle a bet about whether Arwen's breasts were fake or not. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to be doing anything but boring romantic talk. The two Hobbits were about to nod off when Frodo came running into view, causing the lovers to turn in his direction.  
  
Frodo stopped to catch his breath, then looked uncertainly between Arwen and Aragorn. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt -" Frodo's bottom lip trembled for a moment before he suddenly launched himself at Arwen, clinging to her leg. "MOMMY!" He sobbed.  
  
Aragorn stared at the two in disbelief. "M - mommy?"  
  
Arwen sighed and lifted Frodo into her arms, pillowing his head firmly between her breasts. "Yes, my love. Frodo is my son."  
  
The ranger looked between the two, open mouthed.  
  
"Oh darling, it happened long ago, I was young, only just a thousand years old -" She paused as she noticed Frodo struggling against her. She pulled the gasping Hobbit away from her bosom. "What is it, my darling son, what is wrong?"  
  
Frodo coughed. "You were - smothering me with your breasts."  
  
"Oh," She blushed. "Sorry."  
  
Aragorn found his voice again. "How - who?"  
  
Arwen nuzzled Frodo and stroked his dark curly hair. "Bilbo." She began. "I ran into him on a trip through the woods. We were instantly consumed by lust and just had to express our mutual attraction right then and there!"  
  
Frodo gave Arwen a funny look. "Bilbo said he thought you were a silly bint and he only shagged you because your hairy ass turned him on - "  
  
Arwen crushed Frodo's head back into her cleavage to silence him. "Shh, my darling baby."  
  
Aragorn looked shocked. "Arwen, how could you keep this from me?"  
  
"Oh, love, my father does not even know. When I saw Frodo with you in the woods I had planned to tell you -"  
  
"No, no, not that. I mean, when were you going to tell me your ass was hairy? No wonder you never let me get past first base! Waiting for marriage, yeah right! Were you going to save that little surprise for our wedding night?" Aragorn yelled, looking mortified.  
  
Arwen burst into tears. Frodo struggled to escape suffocation once more and choked at the ranger, "You made Mommy cry. BAD future King of Gondor!"  
  
Aragorn sighed and held up his hands. "All right, all right. I'm sorry. This is all just a bit much to take in at once." He looked at Arwen. "Does anyone else know?"  
  
Arwen sniffled. "Well Daddy and Mother, and the healer that was present at my birth -"  
  
"No, not about your ass, about HIM!" He pointed to Frodo.  
  
She shook her head. "Only Bilbo."  
  
"Well, that's good," Aragorn said. "But I think you should tell your father about this. Other than that, no one needs to know unless you wish to tell them."  
  
Frodo and Arwen both nodded in agreement. Little did they know that Merry and Pippin had seen and heard everything from where they were hiding.  
  
"Did you hear that, Merry?" Frodo is Arwen and Bilbo's son!" Pippin cried.  
  
"I heard, Pip," Merry said seriously. "You know what this means, don't you?"  
  
The two Hobbits' eyes met.  
  
"Bilbo scored with an Elf!" They both shouted at once. "We HAVE to go ask him how he did it!" They had been trying to score ever since their arrival and wanted to get advice straight from the Hobbit they now considered a Sex God. They scrambled off to find him.  
  
Before Aragorn left to allow Arwen and Frodo to go find Elrond, Aragorn asked one last question. "Arwen - how could you do it with Bilbo?"  
  
Arwen sighed. "Oh my love, I just got caught up in the passion of the moment -"  
  
"No, I mean HOW could you, literally? I mean, the size difference - how do you -" Aragorn looked perplexed.  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and tugged on Arwen's arm. The two left the ranger to try to figure it out for himself.  
  
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%  
  
"Good evening, my beautiful daughter. What is it you need to speak to me about?" Lord Elrond asked as he settled down into his chair. "Would you like some tea?" He offered to both Arwen and Frodo.  
  
"Um, no thanks." Said Frodo, standing nervously by Arwen's side.  
  
Arwen shook her head. "Father - there is something I have kept from you for many years."  
  
Elrond waved his hand. "If this is about you and that serving girl, it's all right my dear. I've ridden on the other side of the horse myself. Why, I remember the good old days with Isildur - this was before he went insane with that Ring business, mind you." His expression got dreamy and far away. "I remember those hot, sweaty nights, bodies intertwined, naked flesh to naked flesh, gasping and grunting like wild animals as we -"  
  
"DADDY!" Arwen cried as she clapped her hands over Frodo's ears.  
  
Elrond seemed to snap back into reality. "Oh, sorry dear."  
  
Frodo pried Arwen's hands from his ears. "Uh, could I possibly hear more about the gasping and grunting?" He asked hopefully.  
  
"No you can not!" Arwen shrieked. Frodo and Elrond's eyes met and Elrond mouthed the word 'later' to him. Frodo nodded and smiled.  
  
"Anyway, what is it you wanted to tell me?" Elrond asked.  
  
Arwen took a deep breath and gestured to Frodo. "He's my son."  
  
Elrond's eyes narrowed. "I see. Well at least I know what manner of creature knocked you up all those years ago now."  
  
Arwen gasped. "You knew?"  
  
Elrond rolled his eyes. "Arwen, I'm not a total idiot. One does not take an 'extended vacation' to the Forest of Knocked-Up Elf Maidens without it being obvious as to why they're going there."  
  
"Hmm, yes. They really should change the name of the place," Arwen murmured.  
  
Elrond looked at Frodo and a smile slowly spread across his face. He opened his arms wide. "Grandson!"  
  
Frodo leapt onto Elrond's lap and into his arms. "Grandpa!"  
  
Arwen smiled and dabbed the corner of her eyes with a hanky. "You're not angry then, father?"  
  
"Hell no! I'm just happy I finally have a grandchild! You were my only hope, those brothers of yours - well, you know about them -" The Elf Lord made a gesture that looked like two male parts bumping together. Arwen smiled sweetly and nodded in understanding.  
  
Elrond's expression darkened. "However, there is the matter of Frodo's father."  
  
Arwen nodded. "Bilbo -"  
  
"BILBO?!" Elrond shouted, jumping to his feet and spilling Frodo off of his lap. "You had sex with Bilbo Baggins? He's so creepy and perverted!" He glanced at Frodo. "Err, no offense."  
  
Frodo smirked. "None taken."  
  
Arwen began to cry again. "I was caught up in the heat of the moment, and he was such a gentleman -"  
  
Frodo and Elrond both looked at her like she was crazy. The words 'gentleman' and 'Bilbo' just did not seem to go together.  
  
"Now, now, my dear," Elrond said. "We all make mistakes. What matters now is that you are willing to own up to your responsibility."  
  
Arwen nodded and blew her nose into her hanky noisily. "Yes, I love my little boy, I'll be a good mother from now on -" She suddenly remembered something. "Oh, I've got a hair appointment, keep an eye on him, will you Daddy?" She left without waiting for a reply.  
  
Elrond sighed and looked at Frodo. "Well -" the Elf began.  
  
Frodo nodded. "Well - can you tell me about the gasping and grunting now?"  
  
Elrond's face lit up. "Ah, yes! Come sit in my lap my Grandson, and I will tell you all about it."  
  
Frodo snuggled happily into the Elf Lord's robes and listened to his Grandfather regale him with tales of sweaty Elf/Man love. 


	3. Chapter 3: Sausage

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 3/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: I just wanted to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. It's nice to know I'm not the only weirdo out there LOL. I'm not sure how far I'm going to take this or where it's going exactly, I just write it up as inspiration hits. Any suggestions let me know.  
  
  
  
The next day a grand feast was held in honor of the nine members of the fellowship who would soon be departing on their quest. Mounds of delicious food and various types of alcohol were available, and the guests were taking full advantage. Merry and Pippin, having received their much-desired romantic advice from Bilbo, decided there was no better time to try to pick up an Elf chick.  
  
Both young Hobbits had drunk a little - well, a lot - more than they should have and were feeling rather randy. They needed to get their hands on some Elven ass as soon as possible!  
  
"Look Merry, over there! Look at that ass!" Pippin cried.  
  
Merry grinned drunkenly and looked in the direction Pippin was pointing. The lass's back was turned to them. She had long flowing blonde hair and was wearing a pair of breeches that hugged a pair of small, perfectly round buttocks. "Oh yeah Pip, that's a fine one! Let's go get it!" The two Hobbits weaved their way through the crowd, sneaking up on their object of lust.  
  
Once they were right behind the beautiful blonde Elf, Merry whispered to Pippin, "Now, remember, we do it just like Bilbo told us!"  
  
"Righto!" Pippin agreed.  
  
The two counted to three silently - then two sets of Hobbit hands took firm hold of the magnificent rear before them. Then they both said at once: "Hey baby! Gimme some of that fine looking ass! I got some of what you want right here, oh yeah!" They each took a hand off the Elf's rear to grab themselves in a rather crude manner as the Elf spun around.  
  
Legolas, who was the owner of the ass they had just grabbed, stared at the two Hobbits in disbelief. His blue eyes widened and his lips parted. "Master Hobbits - may I ask why you just did that?"  
  
Merry gasped. "Oh, Legolas! I'm so sorry! We thought you were a lass and -" Next to him, Pippin continued with the routine Bilbo had taught them, not seeming to care they had misjudged the gender of their target.  
  
"Yeah baby, I got what you need right here!" Pippin said lewdly as he continued to grab himself. "Take off those clothes so I can slide some hot meat between those buns of yours!"  
  
"Pip!" Merry hissed, looking horribly embarrassed.  
  
Legolas stared open-mouthed at Pippin for a long moment - then suddenly he was on his knees before the two Hobbits, clutching his hands to his chest. The Elf's eyes glazed over and his breathing deepened.  
  
"Oh, gentle Hobbit!" cried the Prince of Mirkwood dramatically. "Your beautiful words have inflamed me like none ever have! I beg of you, allow me to share a night of exquisite pleasure with you!"  
  
Merry just stared in disbelief as Pippin grinned and said, "Sure baby, let's go find some privacy and I'll show you why the call me The Sausage King!"  
  
Legolas let out a breathy sigh and fluttered his eyelashes at the crude words. Pippin and the Elf quickly took off towards the woods, leaving a stunned Merry behind.  
  
"Well, at least I know those lines work," Merry muttered.  
  
**Meanwhile**  
  
Frodo had never been more embarrassed in his life. Well, maybe except for that time Sam had caught him yanking off while peeping at Rosie Cotton in the bath. Anyway, Arwen was in full Mommy mode, and it was humiliating. He was currently sitting in a raised chair at the table, a large napkin tucked into his collar that covered nearly his entire front. Arwen was sitting next to him and feeding him bites of food - which she had carefully cut up into small pieces so her darling baby wouldn't choke. And of course, everyone was watching.  
  
"Mother," Frodo said as he turned his head away from a piece of offered food, "I can feed myself just fine."  
  
"Oh I know my darling, but Mommy wants to do this for you!" Arwen cooed. "I missed out on all this when you were a baby! Now open the cave and let the troll crawl in!" She made a piece of fruit dance in her hand and made what were supposed to be troll noises as she moved it towards his mouth.  
  
Frodo sighed in resignation and opened his mouth. As he chewed and swallowed, he looked about for a means of escape.  
  
Gandalf. No, he was sitting with Bilbo, and both were smoking some of that 'special' pipe weed that Bilbo had grown himself. Frodo caught Bilbo's eyes for a moment and the older Hobbit smiled with exaggerated sweetness and gave a sarcastic little wave.  
  
Frodo gave him the finger. Out of range of Arwen's vision, of course.  
  
Let's see, who else? Grandpa Elrond. But that was no good either. Elrond was currently talking to Aragorn, who looked bewildered. He spoke to Elrond urgently for a few moments before the Elf Lord smiled and patted the ranger's shoulder. Elrond then use his hands to make a circle with one hand and used one finger of the other hand to stab the inside of the circle repeatedly. Aragorn suddenly turned green and ran a short distance away, where he vomited into the bushes.  
  
Frodo couldn't help but smile. It looked like Aragorn had finally figured out how Hobbit/Elf sex worked.  
  
Frodo spied Sam sitting in a corner, sulking and staring at him and Arwen. Poor Sam. Frodo knew his manservant was jealous that Arwen was taking care of his darling Mr. Frodo instead of him. Sam was a dear friend, but some of Sam's ideas of 'taking care of him' he could do without - like the weekly prostate exam. Sam STILL hadn't explained to him why that was necessary.  
  
Hmm, moving on. Pippin was nowhere to be seen. Ah, Merry! The other Hobbit was standing near the wine barrels, looking morose and downing mug after mug of alcohol. Frodo turned to Arwen.  
  
"That was a wonderful meal, Mommy. May I be excused now so I can go play with my friend Merry?"  
  
Arwen narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Hmm, all right, but no drinking! That Brandybuck boy is a bad influence!"  
  
Frodo suppressed a groan. "Yes Mother." He yanked off his napkin and slid off of his chair.  
  
"I want you back here by sunset, young man!" Arwen called after him.  
  
Frodo sighed and walked over to Merry. "Where's Pippin?"  
  
Merry scowled and downed more of his drink. "He's out getting it on with Legolas."  
  
Frodo blinked. "Really? Well, Legolas DOES have a nice ass."  
  
"Shut up," Merry said crossly. "I'm not in the mood. Well actually, I AM in the mood, that's the problem. I'm drunk and I'm HORNY AS HELL! IF I DON'T SINK THE OLD SAUSAGE SOON I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!" He didn't realize until it was too late that he had shouted most of that, and now most of the crowd was staring at him.  
  
"That's it!" A voice screeched. Frodo winced as Arwen came charging through and grabbed ahold of his ear. "You're going to bed early, young man! And YOU," She said as she glared at Merry, "Are not allowed to play with my son anymore! You filthy, filthy boy!" With a huff she dragged a protesting Frodo back towards the palace.  
  
Merry downed the rest of his mug and was about to wander off to pass out, throw up, or both, when he heard a gruff voice speak next to him.  
  
"You know, I am rather fond of sausage."  
  
Merry looked up and saw Gimli the dwarf standing there. The Hobbit scowled. "Sorry, I like lasses."  
  
Gimli frowned. "I can act like a lass if you want! I do a great falsetto, and I have rather large man boobs! Come on, give me a chance!" The dwarf looked at the Hobbit with desperation.  
  
Merry sighed. "Let me get one more mug down here." He gulped down another pint and turned to look at the dwarf once again. "All right, NOW I'm drunk enough to think you're attractive enough to shag. Let's go."  
  
Gimli squealed with delight and the two made an exit. 


	4. Chapter 4: The Horn of Gondor

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 4/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: I'm trying to decide where to end this. Eventually the gang will need to head off on their quest. I don't know if I want to add onto this story after that or make a separate sequel type story where they're on the road and dealing with the aftermath of all the events in Rivendell (like Merry shagging Gimli - erk). Or not write anything after Rivendell at all, maybe. Let me know what you think.  
  
  
  
Boromir sighed as he watched Merry and Gimli leave together. There went his last chance to score this evening. "It's just you and me tonight, old friend," Boromir murmured as he stroked his Horn of Gondor.  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn had finally finished puking into the bushes and decided to go find Arwen. He entered the palace and heard the sound of raised voices coming from down the hallway. The ranger followed the sound until he stood in front of the door to Frodo's room.  
  
"Mother, really, I don't need -"  
  
"Now now dear, don't talk back. It's for your own good, you wouldn't want to mess your sheets, now would you?"  
  
"Mother, I don't - OH NO, STOP IT!"  
  
Aragorn burst into the room, ready to defend the Ringbearer. What he saw made him stop in his tracks.  
  
Frodo was naked on his bed with Arwen hovering over him. In her hand was a large square of cloth and some pins. Frodo saw Aragorn and squealed, "Aragorn, will you PLEASE tell your fiancée that I don't need a diaper?"  
  
"A - a diaper?" Aragorn choked as he stared at the two.  
  
"I just don't want him soiling his sheets like he did last night," Arwen explained.  
  
Aragorn stared at Frodo. "Are you a bed wetter?"  
  
Frodo sighed. "No, it wasn't that, it -" He tried to think of a polite way to explain it in front of his mother, but gave up. He was getting too annoyed with her to care much about politeness. "I was yanking off and got some on the sheets."  
  
Arwen looked horrified. "You shouldn't even be thinking about such things! Oh, that filthy boy Merry has corrupted you, I knew it! Well, I'll make sure he stays FAR away from you from now on-"  
  
"WILL YOU FUCKING SHUT UP?" Shouted Frodo. Arwen stopped in the middle of her tirade and stared at her son in shock. Frodo stood up on the bed and glared. "I am not a child, I am an adult, I am over 50 fucking years old, and if I want to yank off I will! If I want to shag I will, and if I want to hear Merry talk about sinking his sausage I'll do that too!"  
  
Aragorn hid a smile behind his hand. If Arwen saw it she would kill him.  
  
Arwen's face melted into sadness and she burst into tears. "What have I done to deserve this?" She sobbed, using the diaper to blow her nose rather loudly.  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and hopped off the bed. "I'm going out, and I'm going to STAY out as long as I want!" He marched towards the door.  
  
"Ah, Frodo -" Aragorn began.  
  
"I don't want to hear it! I'm going!" Frodo left, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Aragorn looked at Frodo's clothing, which were still laying by the bed. "Three, two, one -"  
  
"AHHHHHH!!"  
  
Frodo came running back into the room, stark naked of course since he had forgotten to dress before he left. Right behind him was Boromir with his Horn of Gondor clutched in his hand.  
  
"Come back little one! You are so fair, let me show you all the pleasures of Gondor! He held out the horn pleadingly. "Please, just blow it once!"  
  
"You sick bastard!" Arwen shrieked. She brought her knee up and it connected squarely with its target. Aragorn and Frodo both winced at the resulting crunch.  
  
"Arrrgh!" Boromir cried as he doubled over. His hands fell open and the Horn of Gondor fell onto the floor, broken neatly into two pieces. "Oh no, my Horn! You bitch, you are so cruel, so -" He looked up at Arwen and begin to drool. "Sexy -"  
  
Arwen stared at Boromir, a suddenly sappy expression on her face. "Your verbal abuse inflames me like none other! Let us repair your Horn of Gondor, and I will be most happy to blow it for you!"  
  
Aragorn stared at the two. "Uh, Arwen, aren't you my fiancée?"  
  
Frodo, now fully dressed, tugged on Aragorn's sleeve. "Forget it, Boromir won't get far anyway. Let's wait outside." Aragorn looked confused, then his eyes lit up with understanding as Frodo gestured towards Arwen's ass. The two left, closing the door behind them.  
  
Frodo and Aragorn leaned against the wall outside and chanted together, "Three, two, one -"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
Boromir came running out of the room, holding his pants up. He slammed the door behind him and stood shivering. "Hair - her ass - hair -" Boromir slumped to the ground, pants still unfastened, and began to rock back and forth.  
  
Aragorn and Frodo looked at each other, shrugged, and headed back out into the courtyard.  
  
The feast was winding down. Most everyone had left, except for Bilbo and Gandalf, who were stoned out of their minds and were having too much fun giggling over the phallic nature of one of the nearby pillars.  
  
Frodo and Aragorn were picking over what was left of the food when Pippin and Legolas appeared. Pippin looked smug and Legolas was trailing after him with a look of total adoration.  
  
"Oh, hello Pippin, Legolas," Aragorn greeted them. "Did you enjoy the feast?"  
  
Before Legolas could speak, Pippin grinned lecherously. "Oh yeah, Legolas enjoyed the feast, especially the sausage! Didn't you, baby?" He squeezed Legolas' butt and then gave it a firm smack, eliciting a delighted squeal from the Elf.  
  
"I want to have his baby," Legolas said dreamily.  
  
Frodo high fived Pippin. "Score! Congratulations man!"  
  
Aragorn stared at Pippin, at Legolas, then back to Pippin. Suddenly realizing he was being reminded of the dynamics of Hobbit/Elf sex, he ran off to be sick again. 


	5. Chapter 5: Once You've Had Dwarf

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 5/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: It occurred to me someone might be offended by some of the abusive or sexist type of language towards some characters, like how Pippin talks to Legolas, etc. I just want to say that I do not condone abuse towards anyone and it's all meant in jest. I am not implying anyone really gets off on being talked to and treated like these characters are. Please remember it's just a story and I mean no harm.  
  
Also, this has gotten extremely slashy, I know. LOTR just does not have enough female characters :  
Pippin watched Aragorn run off and raised a brow. "What's wrong with him?"  
  
"Well, he found out recently that not only is his fiancée a tramp, but that she has a hairy ass and had sex with Bilbo," Frodo explained.  
  
"Oh yeah, me and Merry overheard about that. Can't blame Bilbo though, these Elves are FANTASTIC shags!" He winked at Legolas, who giggled like a schoolgirl.  
  
Gimli appeared, his helmet on backwards and his braids in wild disarray. He grinned in that 'just got some' way and waved. "Good evening, gentlemen."  
  
"Hey, looks like you scored too," Pippin said. "Who's the lucky one?"  
  
Gimli gestured behind him to Merry, who was stumbling his way towards them. His hair was full of leaves and his shirt was open. The Hobbit gave Gimli a wide berth, shuddering as he passed him.  
  
"You shagged Gimli?" Frodo asked Merry incredulously.  
  
Merry shuddered again. "I don't want to talk about it."  
  
"Bah!" Gimli said. "He was certainly doing enough talking during it!" Gimli began to do an eerie imitation of Merry in the throes of passion "Oh yeah, bitch, bring those sexy man tits over here."  
  
Aragorn, who had just come back from getting sick, ran off again. This time Frodo joined him.  
  
**Meanwhile**  
  
Arwen sat in Frodo's room, crying. "My baby doesn't love me!" She sobbed as she blew her nose loudly into what was supposed to have been Frodo's diaper. "Where have I gone wrong? I only wanted to be a good mother!"  
  
The door creaked open and Lord Elrond poked his head in. "Arwen?"  
  
"Oh, Daddy!" Arwen cried, pulling her father inside and throwing herself into his arms. "I knew you would come to comfort me!"  
  
Elrond struggled in his daughter's vice-like grip. "Uh, actually, I was just coming to ask why Boromir is sitting in front of the door with his pants around his knees, rocking back and forth and muttering about your ass."  
  
"Oh Daddy, it was terrible! I - I repulsed him, just like I repulse every man I meet!" She began to sob loudly and Elrond tried to back away so she wouldn't get his robes all wet.  
  
"Well, I really can't deny that," Elrond muttered. "It really wasn't right of you to keep your - deformity - from Aragorn, either. I believe he intends to break off your engagement." He sighed. "Well, at least I have one grandchild. Where is Frodo, anyway?"  
  
"He left me," Arwen sniffled. "I was just trying to diaper him after his bath and he said the most terrible things to me -"  
  
"You were trying to WHAT?" Elrond groaned and shook his head. "All right, Arwen - I hate to say this about any child of mine - but you have gone completely nuts. I mean, for Valar's sake! Frodo's not a baby, and you have to stop treating him like one! You're just going to keep pushing him away by acting like this! You need to treat him like the adult he is!"  
  
Arwen's face lit up as inspiration struck. Elrond muttered, "Oh shit," under his breath.  
  
"You're right, Daddy! You're absolutely right!" She cried. "I have to accept he is an adult and find ways to gain his love by catering to his adult needs!"  
  
"Uh, Arwen," Elrond began. "I know this is probably useless to say to you, but PLEASE don't do anything stupid."  
  
Arwen wasn't listening. "Yes, that's exactly what I'll do! Frodo will know I recognize he is an adult and he will love me again!" She ran out of the room to set her plan in motion.  
  
Elrond sighed and left the room, shutting the door behind him. He knelt down next to Boromir, who was still rocking back and forth and muttering.  
  
~Come back to the light~ Elrond said into Boromir's mind. ~The ass is gone. It can bring you no harm. Come back to the light, and for Valar's sake pull up your pants! ~  
  
Boromir snapped out of his trance and looked at Elrond, confused. "Wha - what happened?" He looked down at himself. "Why are my pants around my knees - MY HORN!" He held up the broken halves of his Horn of Gondor and began to sob.  
  
Elrond patted the Man's shoulder soothingly. "Now, now. We'll fix your horn." He helped Boromir to his feet and turned away so Boromir could pull up his pants - after taking a quick look at what the Man of Gondor had to offer.  
  
Boromir let Elrond lead him down the corridor towards the Elf Lord's chambers. "I've had this horn since I was child," Boromir blubbered. "Everything's gone wrong since I've gotten here. First that wretched ring calling to me, and then my poor horn -"  
  
Elrond put his arm around Boromir's shoulders. "I know, I know," the Elf soothed. "You know, you remind me of someone I knew a long time ago."  
  
Boromir sniffled. "I do?"  
  
Elrond nodded. "Oh yes. You even look a bit like him, although I must say you are better endowed."  
  
Boromir blushed. "Um, thank you."  
  
"Anyway," Elrond continued as he opened the door to his chambers, "He was a lot like you. Strong, virile, somewhat psychotic from the powers of the Ring. And he used to make the most adorable face when he was tonguing my -"  
  
The chamber door closed behind them.  
  
**Back in the courtyard**  
  
Frodo had returned from being sick. "All right," he muttered. "I am only going to say this once. We all have to go on this quest together, and I do NOT want to have to picture Merry and Gimli shagging EVER again. So if you have to do it on the journey, do it far away from me and NEVER mention it around me, understood?"  
  
Merry shuddered again. "Don't worry, it's NEVER happening again. Bloody hell, I can't believe I was ever THAT drunk or horny."  
  
Gimli looked hurt. "You used me?"  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes, keeping a firm grip on Legolas' ass. "Well, duh."  
  
Gimli's lip began to tremble. "Fine!" He shouted. "But you'll be coming back for more, I know it! Once you've had Dwarf - uh, you must have more Dwarf! Besides, you'll never find anyone who can match - these!" He tore open his shirt, revealing his massive hairy man boobs.  
  
Frodo covered his eyes and screamed, "DAMN IT! WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!" Legolas was whimpering and crushing Pippin against him, who was using the opportunity to fondle the Elf. Merry ran away screaming in terror.  
  
Gimli hmphed. "I'll have you know that among Dwarves I am considered very sexy!"  
  
"I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CAN NEVER BE HORNY AGAIN! AHHHH!!" Frodo ran off in the same direction as Merry.  
  
Behind those remaining, Bilbo and Gandalf began cackling madly.  
  
"Look at the boobs on that Dwarf!" Giggled Gandalf.  
  
"They're so hairy! I wonder if his ass is hairy too?" chortled Bilbo. At the thought his eyes began to glaze over and his mouth watered. "Mmmm"  
  
Gandalf whacked Bilbo upside the head with his staff. "Dude, you're sick!" He laughed.  
  
Gimli blushed and pulled his shirt closed. "Like I would have you, you old pervert!"  
  
Bilbo giggled. "Reconsider, baby. I've got the most well-seasoned sausage in the Shire."  
  
Pippin made a face and said to Legolas, "Come on babe, let's go back to my room. You can braid my foot hair." Legolas squealed with joy and pranced after his Hobbit lover.  
  
Gimli grumbled and stormed off to his room. 


	6. Chapter 6: Frodo's Big Boy Gift

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 6/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: I just wanted to say that I do not condone unprotected casual sex, and I am being sarcastic when I'm talking about it with Frodo below.  
  
  
  
After Frodo and Merry had worn themselves out running from the horror that was Gimli's man boobs, the two flopped down in the grass by a stream. It was late at night, and the stars shown brightly in the sky.  
  
"So, Frodo," Merry said as he picked one of Gimli's hairs out from between his teeth, "How you been taking the news about your real parents?"  
  
Frodo sighed. "Oh, it's grand. My mother is a neurotic freak and my father is a nasty perverted hairy ass fancier."  
  
"Well, you already knew all that about Bilbo." Merry pointed out.  
  
"True. I don't know, I was happy to know at first but now it just kind of sucks. But Arwen was pretty upset with me earlier, maybe she'll disown me or something." Frodo sounded hopeful but not terribly optimistic.  
  
"Well, soon we'll be off on the quest and she can't bother you anymore," Merry said. Frodo was about to respond when a familiar voice tore the air.  
  
"Frodo! Frodo, my darling! Mommy has a surprise for you!"  
  
Frodo groaned. "Oh no."  
  
Merry's eyes got big. "I'm outta here." He darted away before Frodo could protest.  
  
"Some friend you are," Frodo muttered as he rose to his feet. He trudged resignedly in the direction of his mother's voice.  
  
"Oh there you are, my darling! " Arwen exclaimed. "Come with me, I've got a BIG surprise for you!" Without waiting for an answer she grabbed ahold of Frodo's arm and dragged him along.  
  
Frodo grew increasingly nervous as he saw that he was being dragged towards the bathhouse. Horrible images of bubble bath and so many bath toys he would hardly be able to fit in the tub filled his mind. Including a thorough scrubbing from his mother, who would no doubt prattle on about what a 'big boy' he was becoming.  
  
"All right, now close your eyes Frodo! We don't want to spoil the surprise!"  
  
"Wouldn't want that," Frodo muttered as he closed his eyes.  
  
Arwen led him into the bathhouse. Frodo let out a deep breath as he steeled himself for the humiliation to come. "All right darling, open your eyes!"  
  
Frodo decided it was just best to open them fast and get it over with. When he did, his breath caught in his throat.  
  
The room had been lavishly decorated with large pillows and cushions, and the giant bath that took up most of the room had thousands of fragrant petals floating in it. A huge buffet had been set out. And - there were a few dozen Elves, both male and female - all wearing very little.  
  
Arwen smiled nervously as she waited to see how her son liked his present. "I wasn't sure if you liked boys or girls, so I got both. We can have anyone leave that you don't -"  
  
"YAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!"  
  
Arwen looked with surprise at the pile of Hobbit clothing that was now piled next to her. She caught a blur of naked Hobbit streaking towards the pool and stepped back to avoid being splashed as Frodo did a cannonball into the water.  
  
Frodo surfaced and yelled, "Everybody into the pool!"  
  
All over the room Elves cheered, stripped and jumped in. There was much splashing and before too long other sounds that proved Frodo was indeed enjoying his mother's present.  
  
Arwen sighed happily and left her darling son to his orgy, murmuring, "He loves me again! I knew I was a good mother!"  
  
**Meanwhile**  
  
Elrond sat up in bed as his sensitive Elven hearing picked up the unmistakable sounds of pleasure. He nudged at the Man next to him, who was sleeping and clutching his newly repaired Horn of Gondor.  
  
"Boromir, wake up!" Elrond whispered. Boromir just snorted in his sleep and rolled over. Elrond sighed and pushed the man hard with his foot, knocking him onto the hard floor.  
  
"Ow!" Yelled Boromir. "Watch it! You nearly broke my Horn again!"  
  
"Quiet!" Elrond hissed as he tilted his head to listen again. "I hear - sounds of pleasure - many people - and splashing."  
  
The Elf and the Man met each other's eyes and yelled at the same time, "ORGY IN THE BATHHOUSE!!" They both jumped out of bed and hastily dressed, not realizing they had accidentally put on each other's clothing. They ran out into the hallway, eager to join the fun, and ran into Arwen.  
  
Arwen stared at Boromir wearing her father's robes, and Elrond wearing Boromir's armor. "Having a pleasant evening, father?" She asked sweetly.  
  
Elrond and Boromir hopped from one foot to the other like a pair of children needing to go to the bathroom. "Yes, yes, now get out of the way! We're missing the orgy!" Elrond whined.  
  
Arwen put her hands on her hips. "Oooh no! That is a private orgy I organized for my darling son and you will NOT ruin it!"  
  
Boromir began to whine as well. "Awwww, but -"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Boromir burst into tears. Elrond glared at his daughter as he held the Man and tried to comfort him. "There, there, Boromir. I'll tell you what, when you come back from the quest I'll organize the biggest orgy you've ever seen. How about that?"  
  
Boromir sniffled and looked at Elrond. "Promise?"  
  
The Elf Lord smiled and nodded. "Promise."  
  
Boromir began to cry again, this time in joy, as he hugged Elrond tightly. "I love you, man!"  
  
Elrond winced at the Man's vicelike grip. "I'm not blowing your Horn of Gondor again."  
  
**  
  
Frodo's night of debauchery wore on. Lewdness reigned supreme and the room was hot from all the heavy breathing going on. Frodo was floating serenely on a raft of two busty Elven maidens and basking in the afterglow that only comes from unsafe sex with many anonymous partners. He cracked an eye open lazily as he heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Have you ever had a prostate exam? It's very important, you know. I know you Elves are immortal and all, but one must never take any chances with their health -"  
  
Frodo saw Sam sitting on a bench near the far end of the pool. The gardener, being modest, was wearing his pants still and his shirt was partially open. He was sitting between two male Elves, who were staring at him curiously.  
  
"Goodness, it's mighty hot in here, isn't it?" Sam asked his companions. "It really isn't good for you to stay in such a moist heat for too long, it's bad for your skin."  
  
"Sam, what are you doing in here?" Frodo asked.  
  
Sam jumped to his feet, looking at his master with a mixture of guilt and indignation. "Well, I did not mean to interrupt, you having so much fun bonking all these Elves and all, but - well damn it, I want some action too, and I mean to get some! Just because I'm not as fair as you doesn't mean I don't need to get my waffle battered now and then, and -"  
  
"Sam, relax," Frodo laughed. "I don't mind sharing, there's plenty to go around. Have fun, my friend."  
  
Sam grinned and flopped back down next to his companions. "As I was saying, keeping healthy is very important, and I happen to be experienced with giving physicals, so if any of you would like to join me in the bushes outside -" 


	7. Chapter 7: The Ring is WHERE?

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 7/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: Kind of a short chapter. I'm going to be winding this up soon, I hope you've enjoyed it. Check out my other fics if you're not too traumatized already.  
  
  
  
**The next morning**  
  
A lot of people rose late the next morning. Frodo was exhausted and sore from his orgy, Elrond and Boromir had sat up all night reminiscing about their pass conquests - they found out they'd both shagged Haldir and had a good laugh about that while comparing notes - and Merry had spent most of the night pulling Gimli's hair out of places of his body he didn't even know hair could get stuck in.  
  
Pippin, Legolas, and Arwen all slept well. Aragorn slept well too, as he'd passed out after puking repeatedly the day before and had been out for over 12 hours. However, waking up in a puddle of his own sick kind of killed his outlook on the day. Sam had fallen asleep in the bushes where he had been playing 'doctor' with some Elves the previous evening and woke up well rested - with a very sore bottom.  
  
And Gimli. Poor, poor Gimli. He was still hurting from Merry's rejection. He now stood naked in his room, looking at himself.  
  
"Don't see what's so bad about me," Gimli grumbled. "I'm the very model of a male Dwarf! Strong, brave,chubby, and hairy!" He ran his hands through the thick hair on his chest. "And I condition this twice a week!"  
  
The door suddenly opened. "Master Dwarf, I just wanted to remind you of the meeting for the Fellowship later - AHHHHH I'M BLIND!!"  
  
Gimli snorted and put his hands on his hips as he glared at one of Elrond's twin sons - he couldn't tell which one, them being twins and all - and stalked towards the shivering dark-haired Elf.  
  
"Sure, you act all repulsed, but I know the truth!" Gimli bellowed. "You want me! They ALL want me! And you know why? Because I'M DEAD SEXY! Oh yeah!" He licked his index fingers and lewdly rubbed his hairy nipples. "Don't tell me you don't want a piece of this!"  
  
Elrond's son stared in utter horror for a long moment before running out of the room screaming.  
  
Gimli ran out into the hallway and yelled after him, "You'll be back! You know you want to ride the Moria Express!" He made a crude gesture with his hips and stalked back into his room.  
  
**Later that same day**  
  
The Fellowship was gathered for their meeting with Elrond. Pippin was sitting on Legolas' lap, Sam was sitting on a foam cushion for his sore bottom, Merry was sitting as far away as possible from Gimli, and Aragorn smelled funny, as it wasn't his time of the month to bathe. The others just sat around looking bored.  
  
Elrond walked in and took a seat. "Thank you for coming, sorry I was late. One of my sons - I think it was Elladan but I can't be sure - just told me he had turned straight due to a traumatic experience that, as he said, 'has put him off of males for life'. Well, at least there's a chance for more grandchildren!" He grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Now, down to business. Tomorrow you leave on your quest."  
  
Everyone groaned in unison. "I know, but you've been here long enough. We really should be destroying this evil ring, instead of spending weeks just laying around and getting off like we have been," Elrond explained.  
  
Aragorn blinked. "People have been getting off?"  
  
Everyone else rolled their eyes.  
  
"Um, Grandpa, err, Elrond?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Yes, Frodo?"  
  
Frodo blushed. "Uh, I - seem to have lost the Ring."  
  
"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.  
  
"I lost it sometime during the party last night," Frodo stammered. "I figure it's either in the pool somewhere or -" He swallowed hard. "Uh, stuck in - somebody."  
  
Sam snickered behind his hand, and Frodo glared. "I can't help it if the Ring makes a great sex toy!"  
  
Merry winced. "Too much information."  
  
Aragorn looked fascinated. "A sex toy, really?"  
  
Elrond held up his hands. "We must find the ring! I will have someone search the pool. Frodo, we must summon everyone you were intimate with last night and search them thoroughly."  
  
Sam ooohed. "I can help search them! I'm an expert!" He pulled a pair of rubber gloves out of his pocket and put them on. "Line 'em up!"  
  
And so, Sam spent a lovely day searching body cavities for the Ring - the other searchers found the Ring at the bottom of the pool, but Sam still insisted on inspecting everyone anyway - just in case. Gandalf watched and wrote down the names of any Elves with hairy asses to present to Bilbo.  
  
While Sam finished his inspections, Frodo sat on Grandpa's knee and explained to him and a very interested Aragorn just how the Ring could be used in intimate situations. For once Aragorn didn't puke. 


	8. Chapter 8: Off We Go!

Title: Bilbo's Love Child 8/?  
  
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash  
  
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first  
  
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.  
  
A/N: I've altered this chapter because I decided that rather than end this story I'll add on to it to show what happens during the quest. I wasn't really happy about how I ended this originally so I'm going to give this thing another shot. Thanks to everyone who reviewed this story, and I hope you enjoy the continuation I will be starting soon.  
  
Special message to GreyLadyBast: LOL, sorry, I didn't write an NC-17 version. If you'd like to see a possible sexual use for the Ring though, check out this story if you haven't already: Business At the Prancing Pony, by Poncing Ponies.   
Relieved that the Ring had been found, the Fellowship decided to spend the rest of the day relaxing before they left on their quest the next morning. Boromir, Elrond, Frodo, and Merry had all decided to go get some more sleep. Legolas was showing Pippin an interesting new use for lembas. Gandalf was snatching Bilbo's 'special weed' stash while Bilbo was making a round of the names Gandalf had provided from the earlier inspection of the orgy Elves. Gimli was sitting in his room hatching a plot to get Merry to want him again, and Sam was spending some quality time playing doctor with some Elves his companions from the previous evening had set him up with.  
  
Aragorn however, had a daunting task ahead of him. He walked resolutely to Arwen's chambers and knocked on the door.  
  
"Oh, hello darling!" Arwen trilled as she opened the door. "Isn't it a lovely day? I made Frodo so happy last night! I just knew I could be a good mother - "  
  
"Arwen, we need to talk," Aragorn said firmly as he stepped inside. "I - I can't go through with this engagement."  
  
Arwen's lip began to tremble. "Why not?"  
  
Aragorn threw his hands up. "Well let's see," he said sarcastically. "You had a child with a perverted old Hobbit, you neglected to tell me about your little 'deformity' - and let's not forget about the fact that you were going to shag Boromir!"  
  
"I just got caught up in the moment is all!" Arwen cried. "His sweet words so enchanted me I could not contain myself."  
  
Aragorn said through clenched teeth, "Arwen, you - are - a - SLUT!"  
  
Arwen burst into tears. "Why do you speak so cruelly to me? Sure, I was going to sleep with Boromir, sure, when you're away I visit the lonely troops near the border and we have a little gang - uh" Arwen bit her lip. "I suppose I can't convince you to pretend you didn't hear that, can I?"  
  
Aragorn shook his head. He gave her a last disgusted look and walked out the door.  
  
Arwen sank down onto her bed and sobbed. "Oh, why is life so cruel?" She cried.  
  
**  
  
Bilbo trudged down the corridor, feeling in a rather foul mood. Not ONE Elf on the list Gandalf gave him wanted to fool around. They just weren't attracted to someone who didn't have an evil ring to use to perform naughty sexual things on them with. Even telling them he was Frodo's father didn't help. Didn't those foolish Elves realize that Frodo had inherited his massive sexual prowess from HIM?  
  
"Blasted Elves," Bilbo muttered as he kept walking. He stopped outside a partially open door as he heard sobbing inside. He peeked through the crack and saw Arwen sitting on her bed, crying.  
  
Bilbo thought for a moment and grinned as inspiration struck. He slowly opened the door and stepped inside. "Arwen?"  
  
She immediately was on him, kneeling before him and clutching onto him as she cried and babbled incoherently. Bilbo sighed and patted her on the shoulder.  
  
"Don't cry, you stupid bitch," Bilbo soothed.  
  
Arwen sniffled. "Aragorn - broke up with me, and - he - he said I was a slut!" She began to sob again.  
  
Bilbo patted her again. "Well, you are, dear. And I mighty big one I must say. It's a shame that he can't appreciate that about you like I do."  
  
Arwen gazed at him, sapphire eyes sparkling. "You - you do?"  
  
"Of course!" Bilbo said. "How many women would screw a man they'd met 5 minutes ago on the forest floor, in front of a group of passing hunters?"  
  
Arwen blinked. "There were hunters?"  
  
"That's not the point. The point is, you are the biggest tramp I have ever met, and I love that about you!" Bilbo grinned, hoping this was working as he'd planned.  
  
Arwen's expression went all dreamy. "You really mean it?"  
  
"Of course I do! Why, I would be honored if you would choose to favor me with your womanly charms again!" Bilbo discreetly unfastened his pants as he awaited Arwen's expected reaction.  
  
He was not disappointed. "Oh, Bilbo!" Arwen cried, clutching her hands to her bosom. "You are as much of a gentleman as you were all those years ago! Yes, yes, let us lose ourselves in passion!"  
  
Bilbo grinned. "Okay baby, just like last time. Hurry up and cover your head! And remember, don't talk or move!"  
  
Arwen sighed happily and fluttered her eyelashes as she locked the door and assumed the position.  
  
**The next day**  
  
It was time for the Fellowship to depart Rivendell. Arwen, Bilbo and Elrond had come to bid them farewell, as well as Arwen's brothers - though one of them stared studiously away from Gimli and shuddered whenever he heard the Dwarf's voice.  
  
"Now, are you sure you have everything, dear?" Arwen fussed as she went through Frodo's backpack.  
  
Frodo chuckled, "Yes Mother, I think I have everything." He'd been given enough pairs of underwear to clothe the entire fellowship for a year. Although he did appreciate the strawberry flavored lubricant she'd also included in her little 'care package'.  
  
Elrond and Boromir shook hands. "Remember, you owe me an orgy," Boromir said into his ear. Elrond smiled and nodded, making a crude gesture with his hands that simulated intercourse. The two men laughed. Behind them, Bilbo and Gandalf were arguing.  
  
"You stole it, I know it!" Bilbo yelled.  
  
Gandalf raised an eyebrow as he took a casual puff of his pipe. "I'd like to see you prove it."  
  
"Of course you stole my special stash, you're smoking it right now you idiot!"  
  
Gandalf took his pipe out of his mouth and stared at it. "Oh, you're right. I probably should have waited to light up until we left Rivendell, huh?"  
  
While the two continued to fight, Sam was saying a tearful goodbye to all his new Elven friends, promising he'd return after the quest was over and make sure they all got thorough 'examinations'. Frodo gladly received good- bye kisses from his orgy partners while his mother looked on, beaming at her son's happiness. Legolas and Pippin were holding each other and discussing names for their children while Aragorn stared at the Ring around Frodo's neck and pondered about the sexual properties of it that he had heard about last night.  
  
Only Gimli and Merry were silent, standing as far apart from each other as possible. Merry finally sighed and walked over to Gimli.  
  
"Look," Merry began, "I'm sorry if I upset you. I was really horny and desperate - " He winced at the glare he got from the Dwarf. "I used you, and that was wrong. I'm sorry."  
  
Gimli contemplated this for a few moments before breakng out into a huge grin. "I knew it!" the Dwarf bellowed victoriously. "I knew you'd be coming back for more! Come and get it, baby!" Gimli tore off his armor and stood in all his hairy glory.  
  
Merry groaned and walked away muttering, "This is going to be a LONG journey."  
  
And so, the Fellowship left on their quest to destroy the Ring. It got off to a bad start, as Gandalf was so high he told Frodo to go the wrong way and they ended up having to backtrack. But soon, they were headed in the right direction.  
  
And so the next part of our journey begins. 


End file.
